How I Successfully Moved on From True Love

Xel - Ha water park, Mexico - December 2014

Okay, this is going to be hard to write... I'm gonna call it now, gonna call it early, but I think it's important to share this story. Perhaps I'm not ready to share our WHOLE story, but I'm ready to at least share our ending. This is how I was able to successfully (and rather quickly) move on with my life after breaking up with my boyfriend, my true love, of eight years...

Atlanta - 2014

Let me start by saying that breaking up with Bernie was the single hardest decision and act I have had to make in my entire life thus far... dang it I'm already crying! Despite the difficulty, I have absolutely no doubts that it was a necessary and right choice for the both of us, and I wouldn't change it or go back for anything. 

Let me also start by saying that Bernie and I had some of the realest and truest love anyone could ever experience. Anyone who was around us for more than a few minutes could easily see that. We were best friends, confidants, we balanced each other out, brought out the best in each other, and we truly, truly loved one another. 

Honestly, he likely loved me more than I loved him, but that didn't stop me from arguing with him about who loved who more.

At a party in Orlando - January 2008

Bernie and I were genuinely selfless with each other (which I think is a key element of true love). We were best friends first, boyfriend and girlfriend second. We had great conversations and gave great advice to each other, even when that advice wasn't what we wanted to give... 

That selfless love ended up also being the reason for our ultimate decision to break up. We both loved each other so deeply and so much that we knew each of us deserved someone just a little bit better. 

As much as we hated to admit it, Bernie and I were both settling in some way by being together... albeit in the absolute tiniest way, but we were still settling. We loved each other (and ourselves) TOO MUCH to allow us to continue a relationship, much less get married, with this feeling of "something just isn't quite right" about our future. We just did not feel 100% about marriage, and that wasn't okay.

I feel like it's easier to break up when things are bad - when you know you guys just aren't right for each other, when there's infidelity, constant doubt, trust issues, and you haven't treated each other right for years, it's easy to walk away. 

UCF - Circa 2010

Bernie and I didn't really struggle with any of those issues, so we were having to walk away from good, true love. We walked away in COMPLETE FAITH of finding a greater, truer love. Knowing how true and amazing our love was, finding something better seemed like a slim chance at best, but we decided to take that chance anyhow because we each believed the other deserved it. 

Yes, the eighth year of our relationship was tumultuous at best... but we were dealing with a lot (including my own health issues). Bernie and I still had faith in our underlying true love, we were hopeful that we could come to a resolution over time. 

Even though that ended up not being the case, we still knew we were walking away from true love... and that was the scariest part of it all. Is it possible to love anyone as much as we loved each other? Would we ever find someone who would love us so deeply and selflessly again? Such hard questions to ask yourself when in the midst of it all. 

Disney - 2009

Bernie and I literally would debate and talk about what the right decision was (our communication was AMAZING). We talked, argued, cried, wrote letters and cards... we tried to make the decision on our own as best as we could, but we simply didn't feel right about either option - break up or get married. At last, we decided to seek the advice and opinions of others (which was unusual because we usually kept our relationship issues to ourselves, but since everyone was pressuring us to get married -including myself- we were forced to make moves). Bernie and I began to talk with our friends, families, clergy members, and even a therapist about what our next step needed to be... unfortunately the input was mixed. 

We were at a huge fork in the road, get married or break up, and IT SUCKED. Most people said "nothing is ever going to be perfect, just get married," those people simply didn't understand. We weren't aiming for perfect, we were aiming for perfect for each other... and something, just something, was holding us back. 

Howl - O - Scream - 2007

Others however, understood that if "get married" wasn't an obvious answer, we shouldn't be doing it. They failed to understand though that breaking up wasn't as easy as they made it seem either. The opinions of others did nothing but validate that we had a huge and very difficult decision before us that no one, NO ONE, could appreciate.

NOT ONE single person understood just how tough our predicament was. No one had any appreciation for how much we selflessly loved one another and how much we had planned and built together. Not one person could look at us and say, "I've been there, I've had to walk away from true love, it's hard, but it's possible... and it's worth it." No one was there to offer real guidance and support, no one was able to relate to us. We felt so alone and misunderstood - that just added to the stress of it all.

How do two people who love each other SO MUCH just walk away from eight years of amazingness, just because of one tiny feeling of unsurity? 

Finally, one day (in the midst of an emotional moment) I suggested the idea of breaking up (for the hundredth time that year) and he accepted my proposal. When I calmed down and changed my mind, he wouldn't allow me to undo what I had done. Despite pleading with him, crying in his arms, and telling him I didn't mean it, he wouldn't budge. It was this initial strength that night that helped me get over that hump I was so afraid to cross, and I couldn't be more grateful to him for it. 

After he wouldn't budge, and remained on his bed emotionless to my pleas, I dramatically packed my stuff from his house and left that night. Following that, I spent a few days at my apartment crying, calling, and texting him... to which he tried his best to comfort me, but still stuck by his decision to remain broken up. He insisted I deserved better. I insisted there wasn't anything better.

Central Florida Zoo - January 2010

At some point later that week I stopped crying and decided that I couldn't keep crying over the same nonsense day after day, that I needed to MOVE ON. We were going around in circles and I wasn't getting any younger.

I deserved someone who was DYING to marry me, to keep me in his arms, to give me his love... If it was THAT difficult for Bernie to decide he wanted me, then I didn't want him anyway - I know now, that's not the case, but it helped me at the time. 

At that moment I had to make a conscious decision to MOVE ON (as opposed to just letting my heart heal over time, because I loved him too much to be able to rely on my heart). If I hadn't consciously decided to make an active effort to move on, our viscous cycle of breaking up and continuing to talk and get back together would have continued - of this I am sure.

I had to consciously decide not to talk to him, text him, email him, call him, ANYTHING. I NEEDED TO MOVE ON despite what my heart was wishing.

Within the weeks following our real break up, I took down all the pictures of him and me from my apartment, packed up all the things he had given me (memories), and I blocked him on my phone and all social media. I gave his sister back his things, and I respectfully asked my family and friends not to talk to me or ask me about him. I also specifically made a point not to look through my social media or computer files at old pictures and videos of him and me. Making the conscious decision to move on from him was difficult, but necessary for my growth and really my health. 

John U Lloyd State Park - Circa 2009

The biggest part of consciously deciding to move on was being very disciplined about not "stalking" his social media. While it was tempting at first, ultimately it was the greatest thing I could have done in my effort to begin the process of healing my heart. Even now, seven months later, he remains blocked on everything, and I don't look him up at all. I have no desire to know ANYTHING about his life. I just hope and pray that he's happy and healthy (I literally pray everyday for him). 

SN: I even saw him out once downtown and I literally ran away because I didn't want to see anything and make any assumptions as to what that meant about how he's handling our break up (because let's face it, we all make assumptions based on who someone is with, what they're wearing, what they're doing, what they're drinking, etc.). 

Guatemala - December 2014

My strategy was/is just to AVOID any opportunities to allow myself to ponder about him or his life and that's done by not knowing anything about his life, or the lives of those close to him. - By the way, this also included unfollowing/defriending his close friends and family on social media despite my love for them... and yes I sent them messages explaining why before I unfollowed/defriended.

Now, when I say "moved on" that doesn't mean that I'm healed and all fine and dandy as of today. I have my difficult days here and there, I have my random triggers that bring me down and make me cry, but they are quite infrequent, short, and undramatic in nature. 

I've watched lots of my friends go through break ups/the healing process (including Bernie when I met him) and observed the way in which they all handled it. When it came time for my break up and healing, this is what I felt was the best option for me to be able to successfully begin moving on with my life. 

I feel that it has proven to be very successful for my case - I've cried less than 10 times since breaking up with Bernie back in September (as opposed to the hundreds of nights I spent crying over that tumultuous eighth year when we were back and forth, things were up in the air, and terrible things were happening between us). 

Guatemala - December 2014

Being able to move on quickly doesn't take anything away from the amazing love we shared. It simply speaks to how much I love and value my worth. I don't wish to waste anymore time crying over something that ultimately was a beautiful and wonderful thing. 

Our relationship was sensational and I wouldn't change anything about it. Our break up was necessary and was done with so much love, how could I be upset about that either? This has all been one large blessing in my path to eternal marriage, and I'm excited for that. I'm grateful for that.

I just have so much love and respect for him, and I think acknowledging that is healthy and important (although some people perceive it as me still wanting to be with him - which is ignorant and frustrating). I can look back at what we had and objectively say that what we had was good, healthy, beautiful, and true. It was that best thing to happen to my life, and the biggest point of growth in my life thus far. 

What we had was necessary and important to both of our moldings into who we are today, and I wouldn't change it for the world. He was several chapters of my story, but certainly not my fairy tale ending. He was my first love, the best friend I'd ever had in my life, and a deep, true love. I know I deserve more though, and I intend to find that.

Guatemala - December 2014

I was afraid that I wouldn't find someone I could love like I loved him. I honestly didn't think it was possible to love anyone as much as I loved him... but now I know, I can love like that again, and even greater. Moving on doesn't take away from the love he and I had. 

I just know there's someone out there who won't have to change to be with me, or settle to accept me, and he will love me just as much and more than Bernie loved me. That hope is what I cling to, that faith. True love is real, and I'm so grateful to have been lucky enough to have experienced such a beautiful and real form of it.