How I Successfully Moved on From True Love

Xel - Ha water park, Mexico - December 2014

Okay, this is going to be hard to write... I'm gonna call it now, gonna call it early, but I think it's important to share this story. Perhaps I'm not ready to share our WHOLE story, but I'm ready to at least share our ending. This is how I was able to successfully (and rather quickly) move on with my life after breaking up with my boyfriend, my true love, of eight years...

Atlanta - 2014

Let me start by saying that breaking up with Bernie was the single hardest decision and act I have had to make in my entire life thus far... dang it I'm already crying! Despite the difficulty, I have absolutely no doubts that it was a necessary and right choice for the both of us, and I wouldn't change it or go back for anything. 

Let me also start by saying that Bernie and I had some of the realest and truest love anyone could ever experience. Anyone who was around us for more than a few minutes could easily see that. We were best friends, confidants, we balanced each other out, brought out the best in each other, and we truly, truly loved one another. 

Honestly, he likely loved me more than I loved him, but that didn't stop me from arguing with him about who loved who more.

At a party in Orlando - January 2008

Bernie and I were genuinely selfless with each other (which I think is a key element of true love). We were best friends first, boyfriend and girlfriend second. We had great conversations and gave great advice to each other, even when that advice wasn't what we wanted to give... 

That selfless love ended up also being the reason for our ultimate decision to break up. We both loved each other so deeply and so much that we knew each of us deserved someone just a little bit better. 

As much as we hated to admit it, Bernie and I were both settling in some way by being together... albeit in the absolute tiniest way, but we were still settling. We loved each other (and ourselves) TOO MUCH to allow us to continue a relationship, much less get married, with this feeling of "something just isn't quite right" about our future. We just did not feel 100% about marriage, and that wasn't okay.

I feel like it's easier to break up when things are bad - when you know you guys just aren't right for each other, when there's infidelity, constant doubt, trust issues, and you haven't treated each other right for years, it's easy to walk away. 

UCF - Circa 2010

Bernie and I didn't really struggle with any of those issues, so we were having to walk away from good, true love. We walked away in COMPLETE FAITH of finding a greater, truer love. Knowing how true and amazing our love was, finding something better seemed like a slim chance at best, but we decided to take that chance anyhow because we each believed the other deserved it. 

Yes, the eighth year of our relationship was tumultuous at best... but we were dealing with a lot (including my own health issues). Bernie and I still had faith in our underlying true love, we were hopeful that we could come to a resolution over time. 

Even though that ended up not being the case, we still knew we were walking away from true love... and that was the scariest part of it all. Is it possible to love anyone as much as we loved each other? Would we ever find someone who would love us so deeply and selflessly again? Such hard questions to ask yourself when in the midst of it all. 

Disney - 2009

Bernie and I literally would debate and talk about what the right decision was (our communication was AMAZING). We talked, argued, cried, wrote letters and cards... we tried to make the decision on our own as best as we could, but we simply didn't feel right about either option - break up or get married. At last, we decided to seek the advice and opinions of others (which was unusual because we usually kept our relationship issues to ourselves, but since everyone was pressuring us to get married -including myself- we were forced to make moves). Bernie and I began to talk with our friends, families, clergy members, and even a therapist about what our next step needed to be... unfortunately the input was mixed. 

We were at a huge fork in the road, get married or break up, and IT SUCKED. Most people said "nothing is ever going to be perfect, just get married," those people simply didn't understand. We weren't aiming for perfect, we were aiming for perfect for each other... and something, just something, was holding us back. 

Howl - O - Scream - 2007

Others however, understood that if "get married" wasn't an obvious answer, we shouldn't be doing it. They failed to understand though that breaking up wasn't as easy as they made it seem either. The opinions of others did nothing but validate that we had a huge and very difficult decision before us that no one, NO ONE, could appreciate.

NOT ONE single person understood just how tough our predicament was. No one had any appreciation for how much we selflessly loved one another and how much we had planned and built together. Not one person could look at us and say, "I've been there, I've had to walk away from true love, it's hard, but it's possible... and it's worth it." No one was there to offer real guidance and support, no one was able to relate to us. We felt so alone and misunderstood - that just added to the stress of it all.

How do two people who love each other SO MUCH just walk away from eight years of amazingness, just because of one tiny feeling of unsurity? 

Finally, one day (in the midst of an emotional moment) I suggested the idea of breaking up (for the hundredth time that year) and he accepted my proposal. When I calmed down and changed my mind, he wouldn't allow me to undo what I had done. Despite pleading with him, crying in his arms, and telling him I didn't mean it, he wouldn't budge. It was this initial strength that night that helped me get over that hump I was so afraid to cross, and I couldn't be more grateful to him for it. 

After he wouldn't budge, and remained on his bed emotionless to my pleas, I dramatically packed my stuff from his house and left that night. Following that, I spent a few days at my apartment crying, calling, and texting him... to which he tried his best to comfort me, but still stuck by his decision to remain broken up. He insisted I deserved better. I insisted there wasn't anything better.

Central Florida Zoo - January 2010

At some point later that week I stopped crying and decided that I couldn't keep crying over the same nonsense day after day, that I needed to MOVE ON. We were going around in circles and I wasn't getting any younger.

I deserved someone who was DYING to marry me, to keep me in his arms, to give me his love... If it was THAT difficult for Bernie to decide he wanted me, then I didn't want him anyway - I know now, that's not the case, but it helped me at the time. 

At that moment I had to make a conscious decision to MOVE ON (as opposed to just letting my heart heal over time, because I loved him too much to be able to rely on my heart). If I hadn't consciously decided to make an active effort to move on, our viscous cycle of breaking up and continuing to talk and get back together would have continued - of this I am sure.

I had to consciously decide not to talk to him, text him, email him, call him, ANYTHING. I NEEDED TO MOVE ON despite what my heart was wishing.

Within the weeks following our real break up, I took down all the pictures of him and me from my apartment, packed up all the things he had given me (memories), and I blocked him on my phone and all social media. I gave his sister back his things, and I respectfully asked my family and friends not to talk to me or ask me about him. I also specifically made a point not to look through my social media or computer files at old pictures and videos of him and me. Making the conscious decision to move on from him was difficult, but necessary for my growth and really my health. 

John U Lloyd State Park - Circa 2009

The biggest part of consciously deciding to move on was being very disciplined about not "stalking" his social media. While it was tempting at first, ultimately it was the greatest thing I could have done in my effort to begin the process of healing my heart. Even now, seven months later, he remains blocked on everything, and I don't look him up at all. I have no desire to know ANYTHING about his life. I just hope and pray that he's happy and healthy (I literally pray everyday for him). 

SN: I even saw him out once downtown and I literally ran away because I didn't want to see anything and make any assumptions as to what that meant about how he's handling our break up (because let's face it, we all make assumptions based on who someone is with, what they're wearing, what they're doing, what they're drinking, etc.). 

Guatemala - December 2014

My strategy was/is just to AVOID any opportunities to allow myself to ponder about him or his life and that's done by not knowing anything about his life, or the lives of those close to him. - By the way, this also included unfollowing/defriending his close friends and family on social media despite my love for them... and yes I sent them messages explaining why before I unfollowed/defriended.

Now, when I say "moved on" that doesn't mean that I'm healed and all fine and dandy as of today. I have my difficult days here and there, I have my random triggers that bring me down and make me cry, but they are quite infrequent, short, and undramatic in nature. 

I've watched lots of my friends go through break ups/the healing process (including Bernie when I met him) and observed the way in which they all handled it. When it came time for my break up and healing, this is what I felt was the best option for me to be able to successfully begin moving on with my life. 

I feel that it has proven to be very successful for my case - I've cried less than 10 times since breaking up with Bernie back in September (as opposed to the hundreds of nights I spent crying over that tumultuous eighth year when we were back and forth, things were up in the air, and terrible things were happening between us). 

Guatemala - December 2014

Being able to move on quickly doesn't take anything away from the amazing love we shared. It simply speaks to how much I love and value my worth. I don't wish to waste anymore time crying over something that ultimately was a beautiful and wonderful thing. 

Our relationship was sensational and I wouldn't change anything about it. Our break up was necessary and was done with so much love, how could I be upset about that either? This has all been one large blessing in my path to eternal marriage, and I'm excited for that. I'm grateful for that.

I just have so much love and respect for him, and I think acknowledging that is healthy and important (although some people perceive it as me still wanting to be with him - which is ignorant and frustrating). I can look back at what we had and objectively say that what we had was good, healthy, beautiful, and true. It was that best thing to happen to my life, and the biggest point of growth in my life thus far. 

What we had was necessary and important to both of our moldings into who we are today, and I wouldn't change it for the world. He was several chapters of my story, but certainly not my fairy tale ending. He was my first love, the best friend I'd ever had in my life, and a deep, true love. I know I deserve more though, and I intend to find that.

Guatemala - December 2014

I was afraid that I wouldn't find someone I could love like I loved him. I honestly didn't think it was possible to love anyone as much as I loved him... but now I know, I can love like that again, and even greater. Moving on doesn't take away from the love he and I had. 

I just know there's someone out there who won't have to change to be with me, or settle to accept me, and he will love me just as much and more than Bernie loved me. That hope is what I cling to, that faith. True love is real, and I'm so grateful to have been lucky enough to have experienced such a beautiful and real form of it.

26 Things I've Learned in 26 Years

Over the last several weeks, I've been thinking a lot about my birthday. It's my "golden year" and what have I got to show for it? Well, I've learned a lot, especially in the last three years, and I feel that it would be beneficial (for myself and my readers) if I shared those wonderful things I've come to learn. Here is the list I've been compiling over the last few weeks.

26 Things I've Learned in 26 Years

1. Understand that there is a difference between someone hurting you because they don't know any better, and someone hurting you because they were being a malicious person with bad intentions. It is SO SO SO important to learn to differentiate between these two scenarios. When you learn to recognize those people who hurt you because they simply didn't know better, it is so much less hurtful. In those cases, you just have to explain to that person that what they did was hurtful or offensive. Hopefully, it won't happen again, and you can just move forward. 

In cases of someone who hurts you for the sake of hurting you, point it out to them, explain to them that they know they are doing things that bother you, and when they continue to disregard your emotions, MOVE ON. Either cut them out of your life, or continue a relationship with them. If you choose to continue a relationship with them, remember to keep the expectation that this person is going to seek you out to hurt you from time to time. Just keep an understanding and expectation that that's how they treat you, and try not to let their actions or words effect you (remember YOU made the choice to keep them in your life). 

2. People don't have to take the advice you give them or make the choices that you would have made had you been in their position. Something I struggled greatly with in my late teens, early twenties, was getting upset with friends and (especially) family members who made decisions that I didn't necessarily think was the best choice. I'm a control freak, and I thought I needed to control everyone's lives. I'd get mad, call people "stupid," and judge them when they made a choice for themselves, instead of the choice I recommended they made. 

We all need to remember that everyone has a mind of their own. Everyone needs to learn for his or her own self. Stop being angry when people don't do the things you would normally do. Just because it's not what you would have done doesn't make it wrong.

3. Stop judging people, it doesn't make you better. I was a VERY critical person. I would judge people a thousand times a day, and then treat them differently because of those judgments. It's a daily struggle not to judge or make presumptions about others, but it is SO IMPORTANT to make a habit of not doing it. 

I've separated myself from people who ALL THEY DO is judge and criticize others, and I've made a point to look at people and see how nice I could possibly be to them. My new goal in life is to be the person who people simply describe as "sweet" and nothing more. 

Calling someone fat, doesn't make you skinny. Calling someone ugly, doesn't make you pretty. Calling someone stupid, doesn't make you smart. Bringing those around you down, doesn't lift you up. Lift them up, and you will be higher too. It's a great feeling!

4. Timing is everything, and no one knows it better than God. Learning to trust FULLY in God, was truly the greatest feeling I'd ever had. It happened one day when my heart was just suddenly comforted and I KNEW God "had my back." I was given a peace that he had everything, and I had no need to stress or fear anymore. It's unbelievable I lived so long worrying about my future and having to take care of it. He's got it ALL worked out, you just have to follow His promptings, and TRUST HIM. 

I've been proven time and time again, the pain was for a reason, the red light was for a reason, the TIMING IS FOR A REASON. Trust me. No, trust Him. 

5. Unless they can experience it for themselves, almost NO ONE will be able to truly understand anxiety, panic attacks, and/or depression. Just accept it. Anxiety/Depression is one of the hardest things to just understand without experiencing. Don't hold it against those lucky people who have a hard time understanding how hard it is to function in your shoes. 

Learn to understand and recognize certain behaviors and feelings within yourself, and advocate for yourself. Also, keep the understanding that most people simply don't get the way that you're feeling, and don't fight them on it. 

6. You can't control how you feel, but you can control how you act. I used to spend a lot of my time worrying about what people are hearing about me, or saying about me. I finally learned that there will never be anything I can do to stop people from making assumptions, spreading rumors, or judging me. Even though some of the things I hear or experience may hurt me, I still need to control how I react or take action about them.

Stop trying to control what other people do, say, and think about you. Focus on the only thing you CAN control, your behavior and your choices. It is not worth the energy to try to correct or stop people's actions. "Worry 'bout yoself!"

7. Self talk really works. It is vital that we teach kids how to do it and give lots of examples daily. A confident child will be successful at everything (or at least see it that way). 

8. Write. Write everything down. You'll be grateful you did. I've been keeping journals on and off since I was 8 years old. Aside from the sweet walk down memory lane I take each time I open up my old writings, it's a great insight into what it was like to be a kid, teen, and young adult. I've learned to appreciate the "struggles" I thought I was going through, and I know I will understand my kids so much more with these handy little writings I've kept. 

9. If you've got time to be on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. You've got find to read (the scriptures preferably) and/or write. It's such a better use of your time. I hated reading as a child, but I've always loved writing. Try them. Reading is the most amazing, relaxing, incredible experience. It's hard to explain the pleasure of reading a book you thoroughly enjoy, so experience it for yourself! Discover your preferred reading style, and indulge! My favorites are teen novels.

10. Be aware of distractions in your life and aware of how they effect you. If you are doing certain things, for not very good reasons cut them out of your life. Time is too precious dedicate it to things which do not enhance your quality of life. 

A few months ago, I found that I was spending much too much of my time scrolling through Facebook. I also used Facebook to "vent" about my bad days at work, and people who annoyed me. Eventually I realized that when I was laying in bed for the first hour of my weekend mornings, or the last hour of my weeknights, just scrolling and scrolling, I was WASTING MY TIME. Doing that was absolutely unproductive and certainly not positive. While I feel a little lost and disconnected from my friends by not having a Facebook, I'm still much happier without it. I turned to Facebook too much, and it wasn't good. 

Additionally, I deleted my Twitter and Vine a few months prior to that, because I was too concerned with who was following me, who was "retweeting/revining" me, and who "favorited" my tweets. NOT a good use of my time... Frontback and Snapchat too... they made me too vain! 

Pay close attention to those distractions in your life. Pay attention to why you seek them out, what they do to you. I used to thrive on the attention and validation of others, that is NOT healthy, and NOT okay. I'm so grateful I realized this.

11. Most of the time. It's probably better not to say it. Leave the words unspoken. Just keep them in your head. It's SO tempting to say them, I know. Silence is so much more powerful than words. When someone is being mean, stay silent, and let them hear themselves. 

It works. Trust me. It's how I learned to stop being so mean.

12. Don't hold it against a Child who was raised poorly. Better yet don't hold it against an adult who was raised poorly (in certain situations, some things you just have to figure out regardless of bad parents, other things are so ingrained in you you can move past it without help ie racism, intolerance, etc).

Always assume the person just doesn't know any better, and feel sorry for them before hating them. TEACH THEM.


13. Don't dislike or hate a person who has "ignorant" opinions or views. Until you've explained your view or understanding of something to them clearly, you can't blame them for having an opinion which you might see as "ridiculous" or "nonsensical" Maybe that person has never even heard the opposing side, so how fair is it to judge them for believing the only side they know... 

If after explaining yours and other viewpoints on an issue which they maintain only one understanding, they still refuse to budge or attempt to understand others' views ... kindly refer to number 12.

14. Don't talk politics with people you really like. Unless you want to like them a little less... It's far more likely you'll disagree, and it's not worth it. Being a conservative growing up in a VERY liberal county, and working in a field with lots of liberal people, I've learned this for certain.

15. Stop judging party boys and skanky girls. Feel sorry for them that they don't know the difference between joy and happiness, (joy comes from outside influences, happiness comes from within) and hope that one day they do.

16. Don't forget the mistakes you've made, the places you've come from, and the things you've learned. Not everyone is at the same stage in life as you are. That includes those who are older than you, so don't worry about them. 

It's way less stressful to just accept that others are at a different place in life than you are, and that's why they do the things they do. You'll be happier.

17. Don't forget how freeing and happy it feels to just accept and love people unconditionally. If you can just remember that is it NOT YOUR JOB to judge people, and worry about "doing you" and nothing else, you will feel FREE and HAPPY. It's an amazing feeling to just LET GO of the urge to judge and control and truly understand that you are NO ONE to judge.

18. Speaking of amazing feelings, learning to completely love and accept yourself is an amazing feeling. Love yourself, both physically and mentally. Continually remind yourself that you are in love with who you are and you'll feel so much greater. There will of course be days when you doubt yourself and your abilities, but they will be much more infrequent and easier to get through. YOU ARE AMAZING!

Don't let Anyone dampen, trample, or lessen that love you have for yourself. Don't give yourself less than you deserve, and never forget what you deserve. Never forget or disregard your worth.

19. It is so much more work to hate, dislike, and hold grudges, than it is to just go on living your life and not letting people who have hurt you effect you. Trying to remember who did what and when is a weight on your soul that is not worth it. Let go, free yourself from the burden of anger and hate. Understand people, their intentions,and accept them for their short comings. 

20. Strive for what you want instead of being jealous of what you don't have. It's a better use of your time.

21. If you learn something in life share it. Don't be afraid to share the experiences you've had, and lessons you've learned. That's what I'm doing!

22. Be sensitive to the way you say things to people. Don't always say things with such certainty. Try saying phrases like, "in my experience," or "the way I see it is..." Be humble. Don't be a "know it all" and don't exclude any possibility of you being wrong.

23. Don't get mad when people tell you things that they don't like about you. Realize that they only speak because they care enough about you to try to help you be better. They care about you. They love you. Listen to them, don't shut them out.

24. It is never too late to fix yourself. There is never a point when you have gone too far, and made too many mistakes. You can always come back. You can always be forgiven. You can't expect to be perfect, or you will be miserable with yourself forever. 

Forgive yourself. And separate yourself from people who don't forgive you, and especially don't let you forget your mistakes. Grow, move forward, and move on. Learn from your mistakes, but don't let them DEFINE YOU.

25. Love, love hard, love unconditionally, and then SHOW IT. The biggest mistake people make is not showing people how much they care about someone else. Learn your significant other's love language and learn to speak it!

26. Humble yourself. Before God. Before your family. Before your friends. Before your significant other. Be humble. You didn't get this far on your own.